Monday, 22 April 2013

Chapter 11

A lot of the feelings that I had at this time were very strange for me. People that know me know what I am like. I was so laid back that I was horizontal most of the time a very care free person. Nothing used to bother me or get to me or affect me. Kerri would go on at me about things but I had such a care free attitude id just shrug and say everything will be ok. This annoyed her so much but this is the person everyone loved.

Right now this person that looks at me in the mirror I didn’t recognise him. I didn’t know the person staring back at me. I am a stranger in my own skin. I am lost in my own mind and that scared me so much. The Leon that was carefree and horizontal was a distant memory I thought the person I was is gone. I was angry, upset, highly strung and so emotional it was unreal.

I only used to have one emotion. I was happy care free and positive. Everyday was a challenge but in the right way. Now everyday was a challenge but in the wrong way. I didn’t want to do anything for myself, id just sit on the couch. I was sleeping on the couch through fear of hurting myself in bed or Kerri hurting me as I slept. Sleep became a given I didn’t do it, id stay awake all night thinking and going over things trying to make sense of my emotions.

I could make no sense of them I was at a cross roads of sinking into a state of depression of picking myself up and dusting myself off. I took the wrong turn because I didn’t know what to do. The decision to pick myself up and dust myself off seemed far too hard. It was easier to sit on the couch and do nothing. Now that is not me I would rather be busy than lounging round as I get bored quite easily. It scared me to go outside. I only went outside to go to the district nurses but I had Kerri with me so I would be ok. The thought of going out on my own became a big fear for me, I was scared. Why? I don’t know

I was reserved didn’t really speak much I was wrapped in my own mind and I think Kerri was genuinely worried about me she would constantly ask me to speak to her about my feelings, but I could I was scared I didn’t want to burden her with my issues so my answer was to keep it in.

Life has a tendency to knock you down. Only you can decide whether to get back up or not.

I felt like I didn’t have the fight in me!

Monday, 15 April 2013

Chapter 10: My mood takes a turn for the worst

After watching my wound open up and the district nurse packing it and dressing. I went home and cried and so did Kerri. Things had got worse again, before this I tried to convince myself that things could only get better. How wrong was I? After the upset I enter a world that had never ever been a part of my life. I was angry.

I didn’t show this emotion to begin with I bottled it all up inside and there were times I would just sit and cry for no reason. Id hide myself away in the toilet or keep it all in until Kerri had gone to bed and id sit there and cry. Trying to find a reason for why is what was killing me. I didn’t understand why I was like this, why I felt the things I was feeling. Id never felt like this before I was a happy go lucky person who tried to see the best in every situation. Now I was negative, down and never wanted to do anything. My motivation was at an all time low. Honestly I have never felt so low in my whole life. Thoughts of hanging myself from the stairs or slicing my own wrists occupied my mind scarily to often. The thought of Kerri and Emily coming downstairs to find me is what stopped me. That wasn’t fair to do that to them after everything they had already been through and what was coming with the new babies arrival.

Instead I kept my feelings inside I felt like I was going insane. It was like a dark shadow had descended upon me and I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried. I tried to raise my mood and find the motivation, but it was so hard to do. Every time I changed my shirt and I saw my dressing over my new fresh wound. This caused flashbacks and nightmares and this is why it was so difficult for me to find my motivation.

I saw Emily and Kerri and I saw what it was doing to them and the guilt was still overwhelming me. I could shake this sense of guilt towards my family and instead of embracing them and making them feel better I punished them. I was snappy and moody I knew it was wrong but it was the only way I could vent my frustrations. I didn’t want to talk to Kerri about my morbid feelings and thoughts, my flashbacks, my nightmares she had enough to worry about. So this is the way my frustrations came out, Kerri receiving most of the brunt of it.

I will be eternally grateful to Kerri for everything she has done for me and putting up with all the shit for the last 12 months. I will also be sorry for treating her the way I treated her. This was just the beginning of my battle with depression.

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Chapter 9 - The recovery begins again

This is what I was living with everyday I had to see this everyday. This was around 4 weeks after it had opened up. so it doesnt look to bad, but imagine watching your stomach becoming this. My stomach parted like the red sea. I should have been getting ready to go back to work, getting back to normal. Seeing this was my reality everyday for 3 months, then every other day for 6 weeks and then every 2 days for 3 weeks.

It disgusted me, repulsed me. As I said before after watching this unfold I needed oxygen. Things like this dont happen to me. This did and I had to live with this, looking at it, seeing it.

This resulted in me going to the district nurses everyday to have the wound cleaned, packed and dressed. This was everyday. My life was officially on hold. I wasnt able to do anything I was told to rest and take it easy.

How could I do this when my wife is 37 weeks pregnant she should be resting and taking it easy not me. I should be looking after her and helping her and I couldnt. My resentment towards my surgeon was unreal I wanted him dead. My anger took over me, an overwhelming feeling.

Anger would become a big part of my life over the next 12 months.

Monday, 1 April 2013

Chapter 8: Homeward Bound

My first few days at home passed before I knew it. An appointment had been arranged with the district nurses to have my staples removed. I was looking forward to this because it meant I could concentrate on my recovery. My time at home was a struggle I was unable to do anything for myself. Kerri had to wash me and shower me, cook, clean, look after Emily and herself. which I know I go on about it she was 37 weeks pregnant at this point. Getting in and out of the shower was very painful. Even walking was painful getting up and down the stairs was a nightmare. I was on morphine, painkillers and codeine but it just didn’t help at all.

The day came for me to have my staples removed, by this point the staples had been in for 10 days. I turned up at the district nurses and sat in the waiting room with butterflies in my stomach, looking forward to being able to concentrate on my recovery. Kerri sat beside me holding my hand asking how I was feeling. I said I was ok. The nurse called me in and I went into the treatment room and lay on her bed. She told me what was going to happen. I remember asking her if it would hurt. She said no.

She removed my staples from my horizontal wound under my stomach no problem I didn’t even flinch, didn’t even feel it. The scar itself was bright purple approx 9 – 10inches in length. She then started on my vertical wound. The scar I should never have had, the scar that nearly killed me and ended my life. The top staple came out then the next so on and so forth. She got about half way down then all of sudden the scar started to part, a small hole appeared you could stick your finger in. She finished taking the staples out and it parted like the red sea. I was gobsmacked, i felt sick.

The inside of my stomach was staring at me my stomach was wide open, I could see my insides. I felt light headed and sick and very faint. The nurse said the colour just drained out of me. She went to get oxygen for me I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t stop looking at it. I thought the worst stuff that could happen to me had happened. It would appear not.

I lay there with oxygen on mask on tears rolling down my face. I thought my recovery could begin. This was a massive set back for me and for Kerri.

The nurse cleaned my wound with sterile water and packed it with gores, a tissue like material. She then put a big plaster on it to keep it covered. She said the staples hadnt been inserted properly that the skin is meant to overlap and this hadnt been done.

The drive home was a quiet one me or Kerri didn’t speak all the way home. We walked into our house where Emily and Kerri’s family were. I stood in the kitchen and I couldn’t stop it and I cried another set back had come upon me. How could my situation get any worse? A simple hernia operation had nearly killed me, left me with a 10 inch scar running both vertically and horizontally across my stomach. I had to learn to walk again. On top of all this Kerri had to deal with all this whilst 37 weeks pregnant.

My condition had gone downward again. I stood in the kitchen sobbing with Kerri. Was I being punished for something, did the big guy upstairs not like me.

Why was this happening to me?

My mood deteriorated in the kitchen I wanted to run into the main road outside and get hit by a bus. How could it be any worse at this stage for me!

Chapter 9: the recovery begins all over again (published soon)