Chapter 10: My mood takes a turn for the worst
After watching my wound open up and the district nurse packing it and dressing. I went home and cried and so did Kerri. Things had got worse again, before this I tried to convince myself that things could only get better. How wrong was I? After the upset I enter a world that had never ever been a part of my life. I was angry.
I didn’t show this emotion to begin with I bottled it all up inside and there were times I would just sit and cry for no reason. Id hide myself away in the toilet or keep it all in until Kerri had gone to bed and id sit there and cry. Trying to find a reason for why is what was killing me. I didn’t understand why I was like this, why I felt the things I was feeling. Id never felt like this before I was a happy go lucky person who tried to see the best in every situation. Now I was negative, down and never wanted to do anything. My motivation was at an all time low. Honestly I have never felt so low in my whole life. Thoughts of hanging myself from the stairs or slicing my own wrists occupied my mind scarily to often. The thought of Kerri and Emily coming downstairs to find me is what stopped me. That wasn’t fair to do that to them after everything they had already been through and what was coming with the new babies arrival.
Instead I kept my feelings inside I felt like I was going insane. It was like a dark shadow had descended upon me and I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried. I tried to raise my mood and find the motivation, but it was so hard to do. Every time I changed my shirt and I saw my dressing over my new fresh wound. This caused flashbacks and nightmares and this is why it was so difficult for me to find my motivation.
I saw Emily and Kerri and I saw what it was doing to them and the guilt was still overwhelming me. I could shake this sense of guilt towards my family and instead of embracing them and making them feel better I punished them. I was snappy and moody I knew it was wrong but it was the only way I could vent my frustrations. I didn’t want to talk to Kerri about my morbid feelings and thoughts, my flashbacks, my nightmares she had enough to worry about. So this is the way my frustrations came out, Kerri receiving most of the brunt of it.
I will be eternally grateful to Kerri for everything she has done for me and putting up with all the shit for the last 12 months. I will also be sorry for treating her the way I treated her. This was just the beginning of my battle with depression.