Monday, 22 April 2013

Chapter 11

A lot of the feelings that I had at this time were very strange for me. People that know me know what I am like. I was so laid back that I was horizontal most of the time a very care free person. Nothing used to bother me or get to me or affect me. Kerri would go on at me about things but I had such a care free attitude id just shrug and say everything will be ok. This annoyed her so much but this is the person everyone loved.

Right now this person that looks at me in the mirror I didn’t recognise him. I didn’t know the person staring back at me. I am a stranger in my own skin. I am lost in my own mind and that scared me so much. The Leon that was carefree and horizontal was a distant memory I thought the person I was is gone. I was angry, upset, highly strung and so emotional it was unreal.

I only used to have one emotion. I was happy care free and positive. Everyday was a challenge but in the right way. Now everyday was a challenge but in the wrong way. I didn’t want to do anything for myself, id just sit on the couch. I was sleeping on the couch through fear of hurting myself in bed or Kerri hurting me as I slept. Sleep became a given I didn’t do it, id stay awake all night thinking and going over things trying to make sense of my emotions.

I could make no sense of them I was at a cross roads of sinking into a state of depression of picking myself up and dusting myself off. I took the wrong turn because I didn’t know what to do. The decision to pick myself up and dust myself off seemed far too hard. It was easier to sit on the couch and do nothing. Now that is not me I would rather be busy than lounging round as I get bored quite easily. It scared me to go outside. I only went outside to go to the district nurses but I had Kerri with me so I would be ok. The thought of going out on my own became a big fear for me, I was scared. Why? I don’t know

I was reserved didn’t really speak much I was wrapped in my own mind and I think Kerri was genuinely worried about me she would constantly ask me to speak to her about my feelings, but I could I was scared I didn’t want to burden her with my issues so my answer was to keep it in.

Life has a tendency to knock you down. Only you can decide whether to get back up or not.

I felt like I didn’t have the fight in me!

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