Thursday, 21 March 2013

Chapter 3: The Journey Continues


I’ll be honest after listening to the surgeon explain to me what had happened I cried. Not through self pity or for myself but for Kerri. The thought of her sat at home awaiting news from the surgeon as to what had happened. That her husband was ok and still alive. The thought of her sitting next to my bed in ICU looking at me, watching me wondering what was going to happen. As well as trying to look after herself in her condition and keeping things as normal as possible for Emily. I did shed a tear for myself after thinking about all this, what my body was going to look like. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not the thinnest man, with a six pack far from it. I was comfortable; I was a happy fat guy.


I was kept in ICU for another night. During the day Kerri came to see me we both broke down at the sight of each other. She hugged me and it seem to last a lifetime I appreciated the hug because it could have been so different. Drastic as it sounds I may never have got to hug her again, but that was the reality. That is what was going through my mind. Cheesy yes! I’m not ashamed to say but I love my wife with my whole being.


The surgeons assistant came to see me again whilst Kerri was visiting me. He explained to Kerri and me again what happened and what had caused me to be where I was. Reliving it again hearing the story again bought so many emotions to the surface fear, upset and anger just to name a few. I wanted to jump out of my bed and rip his head off I felt he was part of the reason I was there. I remember telling Kerri constantly that I love her and not wanting to let go of her hand through fear that her sitting there wasn’t real. I was still very drowsy from the morphine and very tired.


Once Kerri left to go home, I cried when she left as I said through fear that her being with me wasn’t real, I didn’t want her to go as I was scared that would be the last time I would see her. I don’t remember anything once Kerri had gone I must have fell back asleep. I must have then slept most of the afternoon and woke up with Kerri back there sitting next to me holding my hand. I was relieved that I had seen her again as it meant that the dream I had with me on the operating table was just that a dream. I remember asking how she was feeling and asking how Emily was. Kerri told me she was terrified the day before when the surgeon had called her and told her what had happened again we both had a little cry. I was an emotional wreck.


I didn’t sleep a wink that night in the ICU unit. I had constant thoughts running through my mind what if questions mostly. What if I had died? What would have happened to my family, my wife, my daughter and my unborn child? Kerri left as a widow, Emily and Annabelle without a dad. Knowing how my Mum and Dad and rest of my family would have felt. I must at this point commend my mum at this time. She gave up her life at the time to come and be with Kerri to help with Emily and to keep an eye on Kerri. I know she is my Mum but I will be forever thankful for that. I have always been close to my mum. I probably don’t say it enough but I love my Mum, she is the best mum I could ever ask for. I remember laying in the ICU that night just tears running down my face. Morbid thoughts kept creeping into my mind. Instead of being thankful I was finding the negative and looking at the worst possible scenarios.


The next morning after hardly any sleep I think I may have dropped off around 5am. I was woken with my bed moving I was being transferred from the ICU to a normal 4 bed ward. The surgeons assistant came to see me again around 1030am and this was the first time I got to see my wounds. Funnily enough I hadn’t even noticed I was catheterised.  He removed the dressings on my stomach. There were these staples staring at me there were about 20 staples running vertically down my stomach and about 18 horizontally across my stomach. There were 3 random staples holding in the drains in my stomach and 2 sacs filled with blood, my blood. I also had a drain in my neck. I looked at them and broke down 1 surgeon and 4 nurses standing there and I couldn’t stop it. I am a proud person and hate crying in front of people. I looked a mess I hated what I saw and then I noticed as stupid as this may sound my belly button was nonexistent. They redressed my wounds and didn’t even make eye contact with me. I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about my wounds and the mess my body was in. I lay there wishing I’d died in surgery. Sounds extreme doesn’t it. I was a mess and this was just the beginning. I remember Kerri, Mum and my brother Daniel coming to see me later that afternoon as soon as I saw Kerri I broke down. I remember feeling so low, so down and the thought of being dead seemed like a release. I had never had those feelings before I was a happy go lucky, positive person. This person felt like a distant memory all of a sudden.


Coming next is the rehabilitation process and my 8 days in hospital

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