Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Chapter 7: Time Passes in a blur

My time in hospital is slowly becoming a blur the lack of sleep isn’t helping I don’t know what day it is and what’s going on. I try and sleep at night but it doesn’t work by this time I am exhausted. I am now able to sit in the chair next to my bed as all my drains and catheter are out now. I sit in the chair most of the night pondering, thinking and looking out the window. I feel so tired but can’t sleep no matter how hard I try. I sat there until the next morning I was so tired but still couldn’t sleep. I flipped between the bed and the chair. I couldn’t get comfortable my nuts were still like bowling balls, my stomach was in agony. They had taken my morphine off me at this point told me I was going a bit mad with it. They wanted me to survive on painkillers. Which as you can imagine didn’t please me.

The next days passed in a blur my mate Danny came into see me which lifted my spirit. I put a brave face on as I didn’t really want anyone knowing how I was feeling inside. It was general conversation how work was what he’d been up to the usual.

The physio’s came to see me in the afternoon to see how I was progressing and made me walk to see if I could get up the stairs ok and walk round ok. They wanted to send me home. The physio’s cleared me and said I was ok to go home. I had to wait then for my medication and what not that took a lifetime. Finally I left the hospital with Kerri and Danny to go home. I was relieved but scared. I didn’t have anyone on hand incase something went wrong. I am not afraid to admit I was terrified.

Kerri drives me home as I get out the care the next door neighbour sees me and comes over to see how I am, honestly not really in the mood for a conversation and I felt upset for some reason. I walked into the house and my mum was there with Emily. I was ecstatic to see Emily but she was a little shy with me which did upset me she looked at me like a stranger. I don’t know if she felt abandoned by me and that’s why she was funny with me, but it did upset me, I welled up.

Eventually she did come over and gave me a kiss and cuddle and told me she loved me. She told me everything she had been up to. It was then time for Emily to go to bed so of she went. I spoke to my mum about stuff the way I was feeling and I broke down. I was still feeling so low and down at this point even though I was home I was terrified of what was going to happen. My mum hugged me and told me everything would be ok. I didn’t believe it how could it be. The state of my body and my mind at this point was beyond recognition even I had noticed the change in me. The positive outgoing happy go lucky fella of the past was long gone. I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I was a stranger in my own skin. The journey once I returned home is a long a painful one and the next chapter will probably be a big and upsetting one for some people so I apologise in advance for that.

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