Friday, 22 March 2013

Chapter 4: My Downward Spiral

After seeing my wounds and the doctors leaving me. The nurse asked me if I wanted the curtain open I told her to leave it. I wanted some time to ponder and think. The morbid thoughts in my mind were coming thick and fast. I lay in my bed looking out the window the sight of my wounds flashing through my mind, the image made me want to vomit. I was in so much pain my stomach and my nether regions were in agony I couldnt stop pressing my morphine button. At some point I feel asleep as the next time I woke up Kerri was there. During this sleep I had a dream, a very vivid a real dream. I was at home but I was standing outside the front bay window and I was looking in. I could see Kerri and Emily. Emily was playing on the floor with her toys. Kerri was sat on the couch holding a baby, feeding the baby. Im guessing the baby was Annabelle. I was nowhere to be seen. Kerri looked troubled forcing a smile to Emily and cradling the baby in her arms. I felt a tear trickle down my face. This must have been me looking in at my widowed wife and my fatherless children. I never got the chance to meet my newborn daughter in the dream thats why I didnt recognise her. I felt my heart break inside me. I fell to the floor and a wave of agony. I wanted to wake up I didnt want to see this image.

When I woke up Kerri was there holding my hand and reading one of my silly womens magazines that I love "pick me up" probably. I looked at her and remembered the dream I had just had. I felt myself well up I didnt tell Kerri about the dream as it scared me. I didnt want to worry her. She asked me how I was feeling I was in pain physically and mentally. I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt inside of me that I couldnt seem to shake. I looked at Kerri she looked tired and run down, which is understandable in her condition she was about ready to pop and she had all this added worry. I felt that was my fault that I was to blame. The time she should of being putting her feet up resting, bracing herself for child birth. She wasnt she was visting me in hospital when I should have been at home looking after my wife and my daughter so Kerri could rest. I wasnt I was stuck in hospital down, low morbidly wishing I was dead. Alot of my family wont know this because I didnt say it. I kept it bottled inside to build up and it got worse and worse, the thoughts came at me like a steam train. Why didnt you just die? I kept asking myself this question over and over again. We sat there for the rest of the visit generally chatting like nothing was wrong, but inside my heart was broken through what my wife and my family were going through.

Kerri left at the end of the visit non the wiser to what I was feeling inside and I wanted to keep it that way as not to worry her and put her under more stress. I spent the afternoon trying to sleep and not succeeding my own demons were stopping me. The morbid thoughts, the guilt, the anger inside me were all building. I lay there thinking about my wounds I felt my mental state was deteriorating. The thoughts I was having were literally mental. I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up just so I would stop feeling the way I was feeling and stop thinking the thoughts I was thinking.

I feel asleep eventually and again I had a dream or a vision I saw my Nan the wonderful Doreen, she had died a few years ago. She told me that it was ok that she was watching over me to make sure I was ok and that she was watching over my family. I told her I wanted to die. She told me that it wasnt my time and that I had a beautiful family to take care of. She then shouted at me and told me to get a grip of myself. Now that was the Doreen I had known and loved. She didnt mince her words. Before I knew it she was gone. I woke in a cold sweat thinking whoa was that real did that just happen. Or was the morphine playing havoc with my mind or was I actually going mad? I spent the rest of the evening trying to make sense of that dream/vision, to no avail.

I tried to sleep but couldnt Kerri had bought me some telly time. I spent the rest of the night looking at the tele. Not actually watching I couldnt tell you what I watched I stared blankly at the screen remembering my vision and thinking about things.

I didnt sleep that night before I knew it the nurses were there to bed bath me. They spoke amongst themselves about their own lives. I wanted to shout at them because they were laughing and happy. I didnt want them to be happy because I wasnt I wanted to scream at them. They left me once they had finished I was in so much pain im surprised the morphine button didnt explode the amount I had pressed it.

Later in the afternoon the physiotherapists came to see me and tried to help me to get out of bed. I hadnt been out of bed for 3 days. I couldnt force myself out of bed. I didnt want to get of bed this was my mood taking over. They encouraged me to get out and walk to the bathroom, but I really didnt want too I didnt see the point.

I knew I was depressed and I didnt want anyone else to know. I felt this made me a weak person.

Chapter 5: My fight against my demons will follow.

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