Saturday, 23 March 2013

Chapter 5: The battle against my demons

I spent the rest of the day attempting to sleep with no success. I was in agony my stomach throbbed and my nether regions were swollen and throbbing. I don’t suppose the tight jock strap helped. They were the size of a bowling ball and throbbing like hell. A bit too much information probably but oh well. My morphine button must have been on the verge of explosion by now. However the morphine helped get me to sleep. I had the dreaded dream again. The on of me standing outside the window looking in on my family. I woke with a knot in my stomach and a cold sweat.

Before I knew it Kerri was back this time she bought a visitor with her, it was Emily I longed to see my beautiful little girl. She saw me she looked tired she looked upset she slowly wondered over to me like she didn’t recognise me. She sat on my bed and hugged me and gave me a kiss she seemed shy. I told her I loved her and that a missed her. She told me she loved me too. I filled up and I held her so tightly I could have squeezed the life out of her. She was my little girl I had missed her so much. We generally chatted about how she had been and what she had been doing. She perked up a little and told me that she had been playing with her toys and looking after mummy. Her innocence bought a smile to my face. She asked me if I had a saw belly and how I was feeling. I told her it was very sore, she said I could go home with her and she would look after me. I told her I would love to but I couldn’t that the doctors needed to look after me. She got upset and said but Daddy I love you. I told her I loved her too and I would be home soon. When she left I sobbed I missed her before she even walked out the door I didn’t know when I would see her again. The guilt inside me overwhelmed me I called a nurse to close my curtain as I couldn’t contain my upset. My heart was breaking to see my little girl look upset and tired the way she did. She was 2 but she understood that I wasn’t around and that I wasn’t well. She knew and that killed me.

When Kerri and Emily went I lay in bed trying to take my mind off things by reading some magazine that Kerri had bought me but my mind wasn’t in it. I was looking at the pages but not really concentrating. The image of Emily’s tired upset face flashed in my mind constantly and the guilt I felt was unimaginable. I knew I had to get better I knew I had to do it for my family.

The physiotherapists came back shortly after Kerri and Emily left. He asked me if I was ready to get out of bed. I had to fight the demons in my mind my mind told me there was no point. I still had the morbid thoughts I think it was the guilt of seeing Emily the way she was upset and tired looking. I still had that feeling it was my fault that my family was feeling the way it was. I couldn’t shake that niggling feeling. I forced myself off the bed first time I fell back down onto the bed. I was determined to get back up, I walked to the toilet I was in so much pain my insides felt like they were going to fall out, and my legs were like jelly. My dignity was gone I walked to the toilet like John Wayne my nuts were that swollen and I was walking holding a catheter bag. I mean I must have looked a right site. I caught a glimpse of myself as a reflection in the window of the double doors. The sight depressed me I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. When I got back to the bed I was knackered I was so tired it really took it out of me walking 20 paces there and 20 paces back.

I fell back onto the bed in exhaustion. Was this is for me is this how life was going to be now. I felt my mood starting to slip I tried to fight my mental thoughts but they took over. I could feel the depression taking over I could feel it in my mind. My physical state had deteriorated, my body was a state and I was losing my mind. The morbid thoughts were back.

The surgeon’s assistants Mr Grocock came to see me later that afternoon and asked me how I was feeling. I was honest with him I told him exactly how I was feeling low, depressed and wishing for death. He said it was normal for me to feel groggy and physically tired. I tried to explain to him that I know that but that’s wasn’t what I was saying I explained my feelings but he didn’t get it. He wanted to see my wounds again. I didn’t so whilst he was checking them I looked out of the window. The drain from my neck was removed.

I felt so alone I didn’t want to tell Kerri because she had enough on her mind I don’t want to burden her anymore that she already was. I kept inside and I could feel myself crumbling. I felt like I was going crazy I was alone with thoughts of death, anger and depression.

That Afternoon around 330pm a nurse came to see me to remove my catheter and drains from my stomach. First the catheter now that was a strange sensation and I’ve never felt pain like it I winced with agony. Then the drains, firstly she removed the staples holding them in that stung a little and then as she pulled them out I have to be honest it tickled. I let out a little laugh. Before I knew it all 3 drains were out my stomach was so swollen I looked 6 months pregnant.

The wounds started to bleed she stood there patting them until the bleeding stopped it seemed to last ages my stomach was like a colander. The 3 holes were gushing blood the nurse looked slightly concerned and buzzed for assistance. A second nurse came in and saw what was happening. Tissue after tissue left me skin red dripping with blood. I thought my god I’m going to bleed to death. I felt faint; I felt sick and then nothing. Blackness.

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