Monday, 25 March 2013

Chapter 6: The Battle continues

When I woke up the drains were out and the catheter was gone. I felt weary, light headed and a little nauseous. I turned to the side and vomited on the floor I couldn’t help it. I lifted my dressing gown and saw me plastered where the drains were. More marks, more scars it was really getting to me. Whilst I was out they had redressed my main wounds, I didn’t even notice. The sight of blood really gets to me so it must have passed out. I had a look at my nether reasons they were swollen they were huge. They looked like melons. Even more to get to me to affect my mood, I felt low and down again now. I covered my self and lay in bed starring out the window. Thinking about things, morbid things.

At this point I fell asleep as the next thing I can see it that dream. That damned dream that refused to leave me alone of my on the operating table a mass of panic going on around me. It refused to go away. The next thing I remember is it being morning and me waking in a cold sweat, shaking. On the verge of crying. I was tired and fed up. Of the dream of the pain of the morbid thoughts running through my mind. I wanted them to stop. The only way it would stop is if I went to sleep and didn’t wake up. This was my mentality.

Breakfast was served cornflakes soggy. Couldn’t eat it sat there playing with it instead in a world of my own. Wishing I was a million miles away from where I was. I was trapped that’s how I felt the walls were closing in on me, there was no escape, I felt trapped in my own life, in my own mind. I was going mad I was just staring all the time into space, out the window I felt like I was actually going mad. I wanted to scream and shout at the top of my voice.

Time passed Kerri was all of sudden standing in front of me I started to tell her how I felt, how low I was. I closed my eyes for a minute to suppress tears. When I opened them she was gone. I looked around for her puzzled she was nowhere to be seen, I sat forward in my bed looking for her I was confused I couldn’t see her. I thought that’s it I am mad officially psycho.

Then actual Kerri walked in I was cautious as I weren’t sure if it was her. Then she hugged me and I knew it was real. I dare tell her about my mad episode she would think I was a nutter for sure. She would think I was mad. I held her hand and refused to let go because I didn’t want her to disappear again. This is how my mind was working. Nuts I know. I was at an all time low.

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